the pretty vs. the ugly.

Do I even write this post?  Maybe I won't publish it, but I need to write it.  Does my life look perfect on Facebook?  I try not to make it that way but to some, maybe it does.  I know this Facebook issue has been studied, debated.  When a sweet friend mentioned to me that I sure do get to play a lot, it actually felt like someone punched me in the gut and ripped out all the pretty and fragile little flowers I had just worked so hard to grow.
Why?  It's true most of us only post the good pictures, the happy moments.  I have good friends, and we got to spend time at the cabin together and it filled my heart with such joy, I wanted to share it.  With who?  Facebook.  Why?  I'm not sure.
 I am up here again but with my sweet daughter, because the yard here has been so neglected that a full day of serious weeding is in order.  I post the pictures of us sharing time reading on the porch and assume others might fill in the left out details. ..yard work, pest control, cleaning, and other maintenance.   Don't assume I don't know how lucky I am to even have a vacation home.  I know.  And I know there are many who are not happy for me because I am spoiled.  I have learned through the years to discern those who find joy in my joy and celebrate with me and I have learned to discern those who see me as having it all.
Don't get me wrong.  I have also been guilty of assuming others have it better than me.  But life steps in and makes me fully aware this is just not true. We all have heartaches, trials, sorrows that we have to navigate through.  They are all different and unique to us all.
When I post a picture of my husband and I with our arms around each other looking the picture of bliss, I want you to know that I post it because I am strong enough to trust in it at this point.  I feel love for my husband so much that I want to share that joy with you.  Because we have almost lost each other more than once and I do not take for granted that those moments are hard fought for and special.
When I post a picture of my daughter and I having a girls day, smiling and being goofy, I  want you to know I do not post it to show you what a cool mom I am and how perfect my children are.  I feel such gratitude that this daughter is alive when she recently had such a close brush with death.  Because of her new chronic and life threatening disease I find we have to spend more time together which has become an amazing blessing in my life.  I post pictures of us because again, I am filled with joy to hear her laughter and be in her presence and so I share it with you.
When I post a selfie, I suppose it's a vain move.  (I try not to do it too often, that IS annoying to me)  But for me, it's always pleasant to see a healthy happy me, knowing what it is like to feel ugly and unappealing.  A fun, good selfie just is a good reminder of where I am...healthy and happy.  And sometimes...I share it so you can see that too.

I have been in low places.  I have put my "perfect life" out there before in the blogging world, long before most people knew what a blog was, and have reaped the consequences of people wanting my life and wishing it for thselves because theirs didn't feel as pretty.  Please know that my life might just look pretty because I choose to celebrate it.  I have always found joy in everything I can, and because of that, sometimes have not seen the lion lurking in the shadows. Yet I work hard every day to feel joy and be grateful.  Believe me, I could choose a much different approach to my life and I could post all that crap for you on Facebook.  But why would I?  It might be good for you to know I have been the victim of other people's choices.  And those choices took joy from my life.  I know what it is like to have anxiety and sadness and pain so badly that you cannot eat, or breathe right or even walk steady. And your faith wavers and your will to even be alive fails.  I became fragile, sick, confused, weak and out of options.  Except the option to fight.  To believe.  To stay vulnerable, to hold on to that teeny tiny mustard seed of faith, and take a giant leap that God was holding me and with me.
Any idea how hard it is to make it to this place I am right now?  I'm not telling you this to brag.
What would I be bragging about?  How strong I am? How amazing I am for getting through my ugly trials?  To let you know how much harder I've had it than you?  No.  Absolutely not.  Anyone who has gone through anything traumatic  knows you are left feeling very insecure, very vulnerable to criticisms and judgements.  You have trust issues and optimism is hard work.
But going through the ugly things does something else.  It makes us have a heightened awareness of what feels good.  Of what joy feels like.  And oh do I celebrate those moments.  And because I don't want to forget them or take them for granted...what do I do?  I post them on Facebook.  I'm still not sure why, except I usually post when I want to share that I am feeling happy.  Because that feeling is precious and I celebrate it.
So my fragile flower garden is still growing.  It's taken years of hard work and I won't let it be ripped away by my sensitivity to others perceptions of me. I can't.  I have come way too far to let myself give in to that.
But maybe it is a good reminder to me that our Facebook lives are just that...Facebook lives.  They are just snippets!  They don't tell the whole story or even half of it.  Our lives aren't perfect, but I will continue to share my joy with you, because joy comes in snippets.  I think most of us cherish our snippets!  And  i think maybe many of us, including myself must just find joy in the sharing.